There is no doubt things have changed drastically in the last 20+ years, but I also see some things remain the same, especially when it comes to child-rearing. Parenting and family is something I rarely write about, if ever. I think I’ve always avoided it because I wonder how you really know when you’ve succeeded and can claim to be an expert. What is the marker of success in raising kids? Christians would say it’s when you’ve raised fully devoted followers of Christ.
Then there’s the AA song by Walker Hayes…
“I'm just tryna keep my daughters off the pole
And my sons out of jail
Tryna get to church so I don't go to hell
I'm just tryna keep my wife from figuring out
That I married up and she married way, way down
…Hey, I'm just tryna stay out of AA”
Maybe success is somewhere in between? I have no idea where the line is, but after raising a 22 and 21-year-old, and recently becoming the guardian of a 15-month-old, I feel confident I have some timeless advice to offer when it comes to parenting. After looking back at what worked with my oldest two and what is working now with Charlie, here are my best tips for creating parenting years you can actually enjoy!
#1 - SCHEDULE, SCHEDULE, SCHEDULE!!
When my oldest two were little, the biggest controversy in parenting was whether you should use attachment parenting or sleep training. Attachment parenting promoted co-sleeping at night. Sleep training was quite the opposite. It meant helping your child learn to put themselves to sleep by allowing them to naturally fall into a schedule. You wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) the backlash I got for choosing sleep training and boundaries with my kids. My own parents didn’t understand what I was doing by not rocking the girls to sleep with a bottle. I would put them to bed while awake but sleepy and they would simply fall asleep… no crying, no fits, and no waking up in the middle of the night after just six weeks old.
True story.
And over the years I can attest that women who were hell-bent on co-sleeping (baby in bed with mom and dad) paid a steep price for it in their marriages and overall sanity. (I want to be sensitive and acknowledge here that some parents with children born with medical or special needs that require around-the-clock attention are in a completely different category here. Co-sleeping can happen out of the child’s specific needs in these situations.) I will never understand why parents don’t see the damage they do by rocking babies to sleep and then putting them down. The minute the child realizes they are alone they are filled with terror, almost like time-travel movies where people suddenly wake up and find themselves alone in a totally different century and country. This is what happens to infants when they are consistently rocked to sleep and wake up alone. They are absolutely petrified. And as they grow, the fear eventually becomes habit and reflex. And worse… they come to understand that screaming gets them whatever they want.
Parents… please. Use your heads here. I know you love rocking and holding and snuggling. Do yourself a favor and save it for when they are awake or sick or just the occasional nap time. Come to grips with the fact that you are making that about you, not them. Use smart systems that cause them to naturally fall into their own sleep schedule and you’ll keep hundreds of sleepless nights from ever happening. The peace in your home and the happy little smiles when they wake up in the morning will be a great reward. Most tantrums and poor behavior are completely avoided with proper, REM sleep habits. I recommend the classic On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. You can read the stories of Babywise moms on Valerie Plowman’s blog, www.BabywiseMom.com. You’ll find sample schedules and testimonies by moms who are constantly told their babies are happy and their toddlers are well-behaved.
Scheduling has worked for three out of three for me so far and I have yet to find a real-life pediatrician or counselor who doesn’t agree.
#2 - TANTRUMS DON’T NEED HUGS, THEY NEED “NO”!
You’ll need Gary and Robert for the pre-toddler and toddler years as well to survive tantrums. Be sure to read book two, Parenting Your Five-to-Twelve-Month-Old Through the Baby Transitions, and book three, From Baby to Toddlerhood, Parenting Your Twelve to Eighteen Month Old. Read these BEFORE you get to these phases. It will literally give you an action plan for every situation your toddler throws at you.
Most of the time, redirecting a pre-toddler is all you need to do, but a child needs to also learn how to handle a firm “no” without throwing themselves on the floor and screaming. If you tell them they can’t have something they want (a hot plate, your important documents, your laptop) and they throw a fit so you give them something else they like you’ve just reinforced a lesson. You’ve taught them that screaming and tantrums produce rewards. You think you’ve told them no. You think they can handle no. But you’ve literally just taught them the opposite.
I fully expected all of my girls to handle being told no without throwing a tantrum. If they did, they are separated from my personal space. They are not allowed to stand in my space and wreck my peace. They are moved to a playpen or another room (wherever it is safe but separated from the family) so they learn one of the most important lessons in life: self-awareness and how to behave in public. If you want to raise teens and adults who don’t throw fits and scream when they don’t get what they want, don’t raise toddlers or kids who do.
I love what one counselor I read years ago wrote about the goal of raising kids (when I remember his name I’ll share the link ;)). He said
“the goal is to raise kids who are a blessing to people around them.”
I would say that’s a pretty good marker for parenting success. My girls aren’t perfect, and I wasn’t perfect, but people do truly enjoy their company. When I raised my first two I studied and read book after book so I went in prepared for the hard stuff. I recommend pretty much anything Dr. Kevin Leman wrote, especially Making Children Mind without Losing Yours and Have a New Kid By Friday.
#3 - SLUMBER PARTY DAYS ARE OVER… AND HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS
I should have listened to Dr. Dobson but I didn’t. He was telling us to ditch slumber parties back in the 80’s. I confess. I didn’t want my kids to be “those kids” that never got to have sleepovers. You know those kids. We all do. They were always treated as teh weird outcasts and rarely had any friends.
But I paid a price for allowing sleepovers and I you will too.
You would be SHOCKED at what your child will be exposed to and by whom at the average sleepover. I thought I was careful. Slumber parties and sleepovers were at the houses of fellow church staffers Rimmel and I were tight friends but the kids watched horror flicks at five and six years old! I should have stopped sleepovers then and there. You would think I would have learned.
But I didn’t.
Years later, a teacher’s daughter passed porn around her fifth-grade slumber party.
My heart was destroyed on both counts. I didn’t do the hard thing. I wasn’t brave enough. I cared more about them fitting in than preserving their innocence. I was the one people knew as Mama Bear over her babies and these gross influences STILL got by me.
NO MORE SLEEPOVERS. Not with family either. In the majority of cases, abusers are family members. Be brave. Be smart. Set the boundary now so your babies don’t pay a steep price later.
Their self-esteem and sense of belonging ultimately come from you anyway. And do you really want your child to fit in with the popular crowd in most schools? Your child needs better friends.
#4 - LEARN TO HEAR GOD IN YOUR HEART. IT WILL SAVE YOUR CHILD’S LIFE. LITERALLY.
Rimmel and I will never forget it. Madison wanted to use our 7-passenger Jeep Commander to fit all her friends for their night on the town. Something in me said no.
“Madison, it’s not because I don’t trust you with it. Something is telling me no in my heart. I’m sorry but you need to take your car tonight.”
Her car was carefully selected by Rimmel. It was a 2005 Mazda 6. Low to the ground with a wide-wheel base. He knew that in a serious accident this would be her best chance.
And he was right.
She was on the freeway going about 70 when she wanted to switch lanes. She didn’t see the black SUV in her blind spot at first. When she did see it, she over-corrected getting back into her lane and the car did three 360’s and a 180, landing her in the Y of an off-ramp facing the oncoming traffic. Five cars piled up behind her. She and her friends were scared for sure but completely unharmed and her car didn’t hit anyone or anything. Had they been in the SUV they would have rolled multiple times and God only knows whether they would have lived or lived with serious injuries.
God is always trying to help prevent danger in our lives. Most of us recall a moment before a tragedy that we had a knowing in our knower. I have had a knowing in my knower when it comes to my girls more times than I can count. Learning to lean into the still small voice of God will help you more than anything else in your parenting.
#5 - APOLOGIZE. OFTEN.
Here’s what I know: parents take too much credit when their children do the right thing and don’t take enough responsibility when they do the wrong thing. We get puffed up with pride when our kids are shining examples of the best parts of humanity but we deflect and make excuses when they embarrass us.
Don’t be that parent. Be the parent who can acknowledge when you mess up. And when you mess up, apologize to your kids. Verbally. Not with a shopping trip or fun outing.
Use your words.
Nothing sealed the bond between me and my girls more than when I messed up, acknowledged it, and asked them for forgiveness. It helped them understand how important it is to be honest in relationships. It helped them see adults are often in the wrong and shouldn’t be trusted just because they are older. It helped them be honest in their relationships and own their own mistakes.
But most importantly, it kept bitterness from growing between us.
When you mess up, your kids see it… often more easily than you do. They feel pain when you yell at them, talk about them negatively to others, or give them a punishment that doesn’t fit the crime. They respect you when you are humble enough to admit your shortcomings.
Parenting is hard. It’s scary, exhausting, and frustrating. It’s also incredible and fun. But you don’t have to fly by the seat of your pants doing it. Be a student. Read lots of books. Read them out loud with your spouse or buy audiobooks. I used to read parenting books out loud while Rimmel worked on a project of some kind. Do whatever it takes to get on the same page and do it early, long before the common problems are known to occur.
And remember to breathe. It sounds cliche but it might be the most important advice you will ever receive.
